You Have the Right to Remain Puzzled Read online

  Raves for the Novels of Parnell Hall

  YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN PUZZLED

  “Hall again intersperses real puzzles with a complex

  storyline, amusing wordplay and witty dialogue, and

  the result is another winner.”

  —Richmond Times—Dispatch

  “[An] irresistible heroine … Includes several

  crossword puzzles that will have fans sharpening

  their pencils.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “The puzzle lady just cannot stay out of trouble. … I had my doubts that Cora could pull it off this time, but I was glad to be mistaken. In addition to the ingenious puzzle of the murder, there are crossword puzzles to die for in the book.”

  —Deadly Pleasures

  “The writing is smooth, the wordplay wonderful.”

  —Mystery News

  “Great fun. Cora has gone on the wagon and

  gotten funnier, delivering deadpan oneliners like a

  female Groucho Marx.”

  —Mystery Scene

  “It’s Groucho Marx meets Jessica Fletcher as Puzzle

  Lady Cora Felton takes on smalltown secrets and

  hands out romantic advice. Hall’s tale is slick and

  laugh-out-loud funny. . . . Cora’s sharp tongue could

  sharpen the lead in a pencil as she looks into murder,

  theft and blackmail. A definite keeper.”

  —Romantic Times

  STALKING THE PUZZLE LADY

  “If sweet-looking, gray-haired Miss Marple cursed,

  smoked, and carried a gun in her purse, she’d be a

  ringer for Cora Felton. . . . Feisty, contentious Cora has

  plenty of quirky charm, which will continue to attract

  those who have enjoyed her sleuthing in the past.”

  —Booklist

  “That Parnell Hall, what a wit! . . . The pleasure is in

  the wordplay, at which Hall is a master. Across and

  down, the word is C-U-T-E.”

  —New York Times Book, Review

  “A lively series.”

  —Mystery Lovers Bookshop News

  “Much more riveting than your typical cozy.”

  —Romantic Times

  “On the road to promote a new and improved product for a cereal company, smart and savvy Cora Felton (aka the Puzzle Lady) must contend with a murderous stalker.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  AND A PUZZLE TO DIE ON

  “This is a wonderful addition to the Puzzle Lady

  series. . . . The story moves along smoothly, deftly

  revealing the killer. This installment raises the bar for

  this series and is a wonderful, involving read.”

  —Romantic Times

  “Definitely a fun read. Readers can only smile as

  Cora bulldozes her way toward solving the

  mystery. . . . Cora’s a hoot!”

  A—Mystery News

  “Fast-paced and suspenseful. Both the puzzling plot

  and a sprinkling of crosswords provide a satisfactory

  treat for mystery puzzle fans.”

  —Mystery Scene

  WITH THIS PUZZLE, I THEE KILL

  “Hall skillfully delivers a delightfully different host of

  suspects. All in all, it’s an amusing romp through a

  murder mystery of the lighter style.”

  —Charleston (SC) Post & Courier

  “The funniest, smartest Puzzle Lady book so far . . .

  Great clues, great cryptograms, great fun.”

  —Toronto Globe and Mail

  “Sometimes quirky, always suspenseful, Hall’s latest is

  a crafty mix of zany characters and murder.”

  —Romantic Times

  “Mystery fans who are also crossword puzzle experts

  will welcome Parnell Hall’s With This Puzzle, I Thee

  Kill.”

  —San Diego Union-Tribune

  “Cora is a wonderful—and funny—curmudgeon.

  The writing is smooth and the plot moves along

  nicely. . . . The puzzles are a small fraction of the

  fun in these books.”

  —Mystery News

  “Hall’s gift for dialogue is never better than in the exchanges between Sherry and Cora. . . . The pace is brisk, slowed only by the deciphering of the cryptograms. . . . A treat.”

  —Drood Review of Mystery

  A PUZZLE IN A PEAR TREE

  “If you want a well-plotted mystery . . . try Parnell

  Hall’s A Puzzle in a Pear Tree. This delightful series is a

  throwback to the frothy detective puzzlers of the 1930s

  and 1940s . . . [which] helped make reading mysteries

  fun.”

  —Otto Penzler, New York Sun

  “Ideal for the puzzle fan as well as the mystery fan,

  this frothy, funny and ingenious fourth ‘Puzzle Lady’

  novel has enough plot twists for the most avid

  mystery reader.”

  —Dallas Morning News

  “Parnell Hall has written another excellent amateur

  sleuth novel . . . with so many twists and turns,

  dead ends, and viable suspects that readers will want

  to finish the book in one sitting so they can puzzle

  out who did what to whom.”

  —Midwest Book, Review

  “This year there are several treats, one of the best being

  this outing with Parnell Hall’s redoubtable Puzzle

  Lady, Cora Felton.”

  —Toronto Globe and Mail

  “The fun for fans of this series consists of the nexus

  between the plot and the puzzle. . . . Hall’s books

  involve the reader in the action the way few

  others do.”

  —Richmond Times-Dispatch

  “An ingenious series of lighthearted, humorous mysteries.”

  —Winston-Salem Journal

  “Smooth prose and a tantalizing plot.”

  —Library Journal

  “Hall is a pure entertainer. . . . As one of the few

  active practitioners of the elaborate Golden Age–style

  detective novel, Hall should be cherished.”

  —Weekly Standard

  PUZZLED TO DEATH

  “A thoroughly entertaining tale.”

  —Chicago Sun-Times

  “A fun meringue of a novel . . . the kind of mystery not often seen these days.”

  —San Jose Mercury News

  “Quirky . . . Cora is funny, irreverent . . . light reading with a twist.”

  —Mystery News

  “The third in a series that we suspect will just keep getting bigger. Not only is the device a natural . . . but Cora Felton is an appealing character . . . quick as a cobra with her wit. . . . Almost as much fun as doing the Sunday Times puzzle.”

  —American Way

  “Fun.”

  —Chicago Tribune

  “Another amusing chapter in the life of that fraudulent

  puzzle producer Cora Felton and her talented niece.”

  —Mystery Lovers Bookshop News

  LAST PUZZLE & TESTAMENT

  “Cora is emerging as a lovable and unique sleuth.

  [She’s] no sweet-natured Jessica Fletcher or wise-as-

  an-owl Miss Marple. . . . This series is a joy for lovers

  of both crosswords and frothy crime detection.”

  —Chicago Sun-Times

  “[Last Puzzle & Testament] has its merry way with the

  cozy concept of the small-town spinster-sleuth
.”

  —Los Angeles Times

  “Fun from the first page . . . This cozy mystery has a

  slightly different point of view and pair of detectives.”

  —Dallas Morning News

  “Takes a sweet-faced grandmother on the gumshoe spree of a lifetime.”

  —Washington Post Book, World

  “The author proves himself very adept at constructing

  the puzzles that are at the core of his mystery. The

  reader gets a chance to solve the puzzles before the

  protagonists do, which adds to the fun.”

  —Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

  “This novel’s puzzles within puzzles will charm and so will its attractive cast.”

  —Booklist

  A CLUE FOR THE PUZZLE LADY

  “Some puzzles are real killers. . . . devious and delightful.”

  —Chicago Sun-Times

  “Deft . . . clever . . . fun.”

  —Booklist

  “Cora Felton is a delightfully different sort of

  sleuth—hardly the decorous, tea-sipping village

  spinster. In truth, she’s a hoot. I hope her niece can

  keep her out of too much trouble so that we can all

  savor future adventures of the Puzzle Lady.”

  —Joan Hess, author of the Claire Malloy and Maggody mystery series

  “In addition to his trademark zippy, witty

  dialogue, Hall provides a dandy puzzle, congenial

  secondary characters, plenty of laughs, and a

  true original in Cora Felton, the Puzzle Lady.”

  —Publishers Weekly

  “A Clue for the Puzzle Lady is fresh, funny, and

  ingeniously devised. It kept me guessing right down to

  the end—just like a good crossword!”

  —Will Shortz, Crossword Editor, New York Times

  “A twisting plot, an intriguing puzzle, and a

  surprisingly satisfying romance. This one is hard

  to beat.”

  —Janet Evanovich

  “[An] homage to the very entertaining, breezy

  mind-game mysteries of the 1930s and ’40s.

  Enjoy the show!”

  —Los Angeles Times

  “A witty, airy, and busy detective story . . . filled with

  love triangles, false leads, and danger.”

  —Dallas Morning News

  ALSO BY PARNELL HALL

  A Clue for the Puzzle Lady

  Last Puzzle & Testament

  Puzzled to Death

  A Puzzle in a Pear Tree

  With This Puzzle, I Thee Kill

  And a Puzzle to Die On

  Stalking the Puzzle Lady

  For Manny, who makes it look easy

  DEAD MAN WALKING

  I would like to acknowledge the versatile Manny Nosowsky, who provided the puzzles that appear in this book. In Stalking the Puzzle Lady, Manny played the part of the killer. Here he slips into the role of the victim, creating the dead man’s puzzles. Lesser constructors might have quaked at the task. Manny laughed in the face of danger. I can’t thank him enough.

  “THE WEDDING’S OFF!”

  Sherry Carter punctuated the remark by slamming the door of the red Toyota in which she had just skidded to a stop at the top of the gravel driveway.

  Cora Felton, relaxing in a lawn chair, looked up from her Agatha Christie novel and nodded sagely. “Good tactic. I called several of my weddings off before going through with them.” She took a drag on her cigarette. Her brow furrowed, as if the nicotine had given her sudden powers of concentration. “At least two or three. Melvin, I called off more than once. I suppose that should have told me something.”

  Sherry was in no mood for her aunt’s rambling reminiscences. “Cora, we’re talking about me.”

  “Of course, dear. I heard you. You’re not going to marry Aaron. I quite agree. Aaron’s a worthless cad, and you’re better off without him. Particularly after what he’s done. "What has he done, by the way?”

  “Don’t humor me. I hate it when you humor me.”

  “What can I do that you don’t hate?”

  “Oh, who gives a damn!”

  Sherry stormed into the house.

  Cora sighed, heaved herself out of the chair. It was late morning, and Cora was clad in her Wicked Witch of the West dress. Her favorite loose, comfortable, lounge-around-home smock, it bore cigarette burns, liquor stains from her less-than-sober past, plus the telltale signs of some none-too-accurately ingested, scrump-tiously caloric treats, covering all the essential food groups, such as hot fudge, marshmallow, whipped cream, guacamole, onion dip, ice cream, butter, and maple syrup, in any and all combinations.

  Sherry had given up trying to get her aunt to throw away the dress, but strongly cautioned her against wearing it in public, lest unflattering photos should wind up in the tabloid press. Cora had her reputation to uphold. Her benevolent, grandmotherly face graced a nationally syndicated crossword puzzle column. She also did TV ads as the Puzzle Lady, hawking breakfast cereal to schoolchildren. If any kids actually ate it, the joke was on them, since Cora couldn’t do a crossword puzzle to save her life. Sherry constructed the puzzles. Cora was much happier poking her nose into mysteries. Real mysteries, involving real crimes. Cora was good at solving crimes.

  Not matrimonial affairs.

  Cora glanced around the yard, hollered, “Buddy!”

  The toy poodle, snoozing in the shade of his favorite elm, stood up, shook himself awake, and trotted toward the house. Cora opened the door and Buddy bounded in.

  Sherry wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen. Cora pounded down the hall to the office, where her niece was on-line.

  “EBay?” Cora asked.

  Sherry didn’t answer.

  “When I break an engagement, I always buy something. To make myself feel better. The expense is directly proportional to the nearness of the wedding and the thickness of the skull of the unintended. Is that the right word? Unintended? Or is it disintended? Come on, you’re good with words. Help me out.”

  “Cora. I’m not in the mood.”

  “I noticed.” Cora brushed cigarette ash off the sleeve of her smock. “If you weren’t so self-absorbed, you might ask why I’m not dressed at eleven in the morning. I haven’t been having an easy time myself. If I were drinking, I’d be drunk.” She frowned. “That sounds stupid, but you know what I mean.”

  “Cora, have you heard a word I said?”

  “Yeah. You’re not getting married, yada, yada, yada. You think you got troubles. I got this nut Benny Southstreet accusing me of swiping his puzzle. Which is pretty funny, since I wouldn’t know how to steal his puzzle. Which means he’s actually accusing you of stealing his puzzle. I would think you’d care.”

  “Damn it, Cora! I just broke up with Aaron!”

  “Why? What did Aaron do?”

  “You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Right, right. Because I know nothing about men. And I’ve only been married I don’t know how many times. I always think of Melvin as my fifth. But when you count the broken engagements . . . There’s a fine line between the ones that were broken before they said I do or right after. Of course, legally—”

  “Will you shut up!”

  Sherry turned from the computer to face her aunt. Her eyes were filled with tears.

  “Sherry, what happened?”

  There came the sound of tires on gravel.

  “If that’s Aaron, I’m not here,” Sherry said.

  “Your car’s here.”

  “It’s your car.”

  “Weren’t you just out in it?”

  “I don’t want to see him!”

  “I got it, I got it.”

  Cora looked out the living room window.

  Dennis Pride, Sherry’s abusive ex-husband, was on his way up the walk.

  Cora uttered a brief comment, indicating she was not thoroughly pleased with the young man’s presence
, then slammed out the door to intercept him.

  Dennis’s hair, though parted and greased back, was long. A little shampoo and he would fit right in with the members of his former rock group, Tune Freaks. Cora suspected Dennis of playing with them on the sly.

  Cora blocked his path. “Sherry’s not here.”

  “Her car’s here.”

  “That’s what I told her. She still insists she’s not here. Probably because you’re here. Why don’t you leave? Then when I tell her you’re not here, I’ll be telling the truth.”

  Dennis scowled. “It isn’t funny.”

  “No, it isn’t. Your ex-wife is getting married. You’re about the last person she needs to see right now.”

  “I have to talk to her.”

  “She doesn’t have to talk to you. And she’s got a re- straining order to prove it. Get out of here, or I’ll call the cops.”

  A VW Beetle drove up the driveway. A young woman got out. She was the type college boys would describe as comfortable or pleasingly plump.

  Those qualities were not on exhibit now. Brenda was visibly upset. “Damn it, Dennis! I thought you’d learned your lesson.”

  Dennis wheeled away angrily and almost lost his balance. Cora wondered if he’d been drinking.

  Brenda assumed he had. “Dennis, you’re drunk. You must be to come here. She’s your ex-wife, Dennis. Your first ex-wife. I’ll be your second if you keep this up. Is that what you want, Dennis? Is that what you’d like? I don’t want to keep you if you want to go. What do you want to do?”