Arsenic and Old Puzzles Read online

  Contents

  “Thanks for the Arsenic”

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Chapter 52

  Chapter 53

  Chapter 54

  Chapter 55

  Chapter 56

  Chapter 57

  Chapter 58

  Chapter 59

  Chapter 60

  About the Author

  The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.

  For Cary Grant,

  a wonderful Mortimer

  Thanks for the Arsenic

  I would like to thank Joseph Kesselring, who wrote the stage play, Julius J. and Philip G. Epstein, who wrote the screenplay, Frank Capra, who directed the movie, and Cary Grant and the rest of the marvelous cast of Arsenic and Old Lace, for inspiring me to write this book. If you have never seen this merry band of poisoners, rent the DVD at once.

  I would also like to thank my accomplices, New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz, for creating the sudoku, noted constructor Fred Piscop, for creating the crossword puzzles, and American Crossword Puzzle Tournament champion Ellen Ripstein, for editing them.

  Chapter

  1

  “So when’s she going to walk?” Cora said.

  Sherry Carter shot an amused glance at Aaron Grant. Jennifer Carter Grant was crawling back and forth from Mommy to Daddy on a beach blanket on the front lawn. Cora Felton was sitting on a lawn chair. Not sitting on the ground was one of the privileges accorded a great-aunt, and Cora was taking full advantage.

  “She’s nine months old,” Sherry said.

  “What’s your point?”

  “Babies walk around a year,” Aaron said.

  “A whole year? That must tire them out.” Cora cocked her head. “I don’t see why she couldn’t start walking. I mean, look at the size of her. You’d never know she was premature.”

  “That’s not the type of thing she needs to grow up hearing all the time,” Sherry said.

  “You’re going to withhold it from her?” Cora said. “My God, the kid will grow up with a complex. She’ll have a therapist before she’s five.”

  “Did you ever have a therapist?” Sherry said.

  “That’s a rather personal question. Particularly in front of a young man. Just because he married into the family doesn’t mean he gets to share our household secrets.”

  “Secrets?” Aaron said. “You mean you did have a therapist?”

  “You tell me,” Cora said. “Do you think I had a therapist?”

  Aaron’s mouth fell open. That was a loaded question. Any answer would be wrong.

  “Stop teasing Aaron,” Sherry said. “Let the poor guy have some Daddy time.”

  “Oh, you want the wicked stepaunt to go away?”

  “You’re not a stepaunt. You’re a great-aunt.”

  “The best,” Cora said. “Seriously, what are you going to tell the kid when she asks what that scar on your stomach is?”

  “You can’t even see it,” Aaron said. “The doctor was right. It’s a bikini cut, and you can’t even tell.”

  Sherry wasn’t wearing a bikini, she was wearing shorts and a halter top, but the result was the same. The horizontal scar was below the panty line.

  Sherry smiled. “Are you torturing me because you’re bored? Can’t stand it when things are quiet?”

  Aaron grinned. “I think that’s it. She’s an action junkie. Hasn’t had a murder in months, and she’s climbing the walls.”

  “I am not,” Cora said. “If I never see another murder case, it will be too damn soon.”

  Jennifer reached the edge of the blanket and let out an excited whoop. Daddy headed her off.

  “Killjoy,” Cora said.

  “There’s germs in the grass.”

  Cora mentioned another place germs might hang out.

  “Cora!” Sherry said. “You are not going to talk that way around the baby.”

  “What, she’s going to be offended? She doesn’t look offended. Hey, Jennifer. Are you offended with Auntie?”

  Jennifer didn’t answer.

  “When’s she going to talk, anyway?”

  “She’s nine months old,” Sherry repeated.

  “Well, not full sentences, but a good ‘Cora,’ would be nice.”

  Aaron picked Jennifer up, put her back in the middle of the blanket. “I think she’s wet.”

  Sherry dug in the diaper bag. “Care to change the baby, Auntie Cora?”

  “Certainly not. I’m the aunt, not the nanny. My job is to look proud and brag at PTA meetings.”

  “Oh, my God,” Sherry said. “It’s not enough you want her walking. You’ve already got her in school.”

  “Well, you have to plan ahead,” Cora said. “If you’re not careful, next thing you know she’s bringing home some irresponsible bum.”

  Sherry shook her head. “I’m changing her diaper and you’ve got her dating already.”

  “And as for you, Mommy, I thought having a kid wasn’t going to change anything?”

  “It hasn’t.”

  “Oh, no? I’ve had to send in the last five Puzzle Lady columns myself. And I’m no good at it. I keep screwing up. An editor called and asked what’s wrong. I told her I had to send the stuff myself because my secretary had a baby.”

  “You’re lucky I don’t make you write them,” Sherry said.

  Cora grimaced. While she was the famous Puzzle Lady, whose smiling face graced the nationally syndicated crossword column, in point of fact Cora couldn’t solve a crossword puzzle if you gave her the answers. Sherry Carter actually constructed the puzzles. Cora Felton merely lent her name to the project.

  Aaron’s cell phone rang. He flipped it open. “Hello?… Yes, she’s right here.”

  Sherry reached for the phone.

  Aaron shook his head. “No, her.” He held it out to Cora.

  Cora took the phone. “Hello?”

  “Cora? Chief Harper.”

  “Oh, hi, Chief. What’s up?”

  “I’m out at the Guildford sisters’ bed-and-breakfast. Do you know it?”

  “Can’t say that I do.”

  “Fifty-one Elmwood Circle. About a half m
ile north of town.”

  “What about it?”

  “Wanna take a ride out there?”

  “How come?”

  “Someone died.”

  Chapter

  2

  Elmwood Circle was actually a square block, or perhaps just one side of the block. Cora wasn’t about to drive around to find out. Not with “fifty-one” so clearly marked on the mailbox. And Chief Harper out in front, leaning on his car.

  “Okay, Chief, what have you got?”

  “Dead tourist. Checked in for the weekend, keeled over during afternoon tea. The Guilford sisters aren’t much for breakfast, but they do set an excellent tea.”

  “This is a natural death?”

  “Oh, absolutely. According to Edith he was seventy-six. When a person gets to be that age—” Chief Harper broke off. “Not that seventy-six is that old—” He broke off again. Flushed furiously. “Not to imply…”

  “Thanks for clearing that up, Chief,” Cora said dryly. “I was afraid you thought I was seventy-six.” When Harper floundered helplessly, she changed the subject to let him off the hook. “So, what do you want with me?”

  “There’s a puzzle on the body.”

  “Of course there is,” Cora said. “There’s always a puzzle on the body. I’d be shocked if there wasn’t. What kind of puzzle is it?”

  “A number puzzle.”

  “Sudoku or KenKen?”

  “Which is which?”

  “Come on, Chief. You’ve had both kinds. You must not be taking this seriously if you haven’t even bothered to sort it out.”

  “I called you, didn’t I?”

  “Of course you did. So no one could ask you why you didn’t.”

  Chief Harper took a folded piece of paper out of his pocket, handed it to her.

  “Thanks a lot,” Cora said.

  Two elderly women came bustling in from the kitchen. They wore lacy blouses and wool skirts, looked more suited for the English countryside than a New England town. Cora had seen them around town, but wasn’t acquainted. She couldn’t even tell which was which.

  “Oh,” the plumper of the two said. “It’s the Puzzle Lady. The chief said he was calling you, but I didn’t think you’d come. I mean, it’s not like there was a crime.”

  “Goodness, no,” the thinner sister said. “What a shock. One minute he’s sitting at our table, the next minute he’s lying at our feet.”

  “He spilled on our carpet,” the plumper sister said indignantly. “I’m sorry he’s dead, but really.”

  “And he’s still there,” the thinner sister said.

  “I’m sorry,” Harper said. “Dr. Nathan is hung up in surgery, and the EMS unit is on the other side of town.”

  “There’s only one?” Cora said, incredulously.

  “It’s Sunday,” Chief Harper said, defensively.

  “So the gentleman is still here?”

  “In the middle of our parlor floor!”

  “Could I see?”

  The dead tourist was slumped over, half on, half off the table. The wineglass lay on its side in front of him. He had apparently knocked it over when he fell.

  So. The sisters’ famous afternoon tea featured wine. Cora wondered if that was why it was so popular.

  “Is this how you found him, Chief?”

  “That’s right.”

  “No one moved him?”

  “The sisters actually tried to sit him up, but he kept slumping over. That’s when they called for help.”

  “But the doctor was busy and the ambulance was tied up?”

  The chief gave her a look. “You going to keep harping on that? I know you got a newspaper reporter in the family, but it’s not the type of thing I’d like to read in the press.”

  “Well, I’m not going to advertise the fact, but if asked, I’m not going to lie.”

  “That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement,” Harper said.

  “You don’t suspect foul play?”

  “Not in the least.”

  “And yet you called me in.”

  “Because of the puzzle.”

  “And while you were waiting for the doctor, you figured what the hell. Why not drag a seventy-six-year-old woman away from an afternoon with her great-niece?”

  “I think you’ve paid me back for that remark. Could we move onto this corpse?”

  “Love to. Would you like me to examine the body?”

  “Probably better wait for the doc.”

  Cora nodded. “Sure, sure. Important case like this. Come on, Chief. There’s no reason to suspect this guy died from anything other than natural causes.”

  “He had a puzzle in his pocket.”

  “They’re not usually lethal. At least the ones in my books. Even the hard ones are called diabolical, not deadly. So what was he doing in town?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “How come?”

  “According to the sisters, he keeled over before they could find out.”

  “That must have been disappointing.”

  “You’re not taking this seriously, Cora.”

  “Of course I’m not taking it seriously. Here’s a man we don’t know, who happens to be dead. There’s not a lot I can do.”

  The plumper sister stuck her head in the room.

  “Yes, Charlotte?” Harper said.

  Cora smiled, happy to have the sisters sorted out. The plump one was Charlotte. The thin one was Edith. As her weight was probably closer to the plump one’s than the thin one’s, Cora was happy to drop that designation.

  “Oh,” Charlotte said, “he’s still here.”

  “Of course he’s still here. We’re waiting for the doctor.”

  “It was such a shock. One minute we’re drinking wine, the next minute he’s dead.” Charlotte didn’t act like it was a shock. She cocked her head, birdlike, and peered up at the chief. “Have you figured it out yet?”

  “Figured what out?”

  “Well, it’s a murder, isn’t it? You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.”

  “It’s not a murder,” Harper said.

  “Then why did you call her in?”

  “She’s the Puzzle Lady. He had a puzzle in his pocket.”

  Charlotte smiled. “He probably liked to do them. Widowers often have a hobby.”

  “Widowers?”

  “Yes, he was a widower,” the thinner sister said, pushing her way into the room. “We managed to find that out. He was much more willing to talk about what he’d done than what he was doing. Some men are like that.”

  There was something very spinsterish about the way she said men. Cora chided herself for the thought, but she couldn’t help thinking it. Having been married five or six times herself, give or take an annulment or two, Cora was sometimes less than tolerant.

  “Did you learn anything else about him?” Cora said.

  “No,” Edith said. “And it was rather annoying. He had an irritating habit of smiling, nodding, and not answering the question.”

  “I was married to a man like that,” Cora said. “He was delightfully vague. It was one of the reasons I divorced him.”

  “You divorced him for being vague?”

  “He’s lucky I didn’t shoot him. There was also a pole dancer involved.”

  The front doorbell sent the sisters into a titter, deciding which of them should go answer it. By the third ring, Cora was ready to jump in and decide for them. Still arguing, they fluttered their way out the door.

  “Well, that solves your mystery,” Cora said. “This poor man probably dropped dead in self-defense.”

  Barney Nathan strode in. The good doctor had clearly foregone amenities, as the sisters were spinning in his wake trying to keep up.

  Dr. Nathan saw Cora and grimaced. “Oh. Don’t tell me.”

  “It’s nice to see you, too,” Cora said. “The guy had a sudoku in his pocket, so the chief called me.”

  “Why?”

  Cora smiled. “The same reason you’re here to pronounce h
im dead. So we can say we did. It’s not like it’s necessary or anything. I could pronounce him dead. And you could probably do the damn sudoku.”

  “In your dreams.” Barney Nathan plopped his medical bag down on a chair, strode around the table, bent down to examine the corpse. After a moment or two he stood up. “All right, he’s dead.” He picked up his medical bag.

  “That’s all you’re going to do?” Cora said.

  “What do you want me to do, bring him back to life?”

  Cora knelt down by the body. She looked up at the doctor. “Aren’t you interested in what killed him?”

  “Not really. He died of natural causes.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “I suppose you’d like an autopsy,” Barney said sarcastically.

  Cora turned to the Guilford sisters. “Ladies. If you would be so good as to boil some water.”

  Edith’s eyes widened. “The doctor needs boiling water to examine the body?”

  “No, but I think he’d like some tea.”

  “Certainly,” Edith said. “Charlotte, would you boil some water?”

  “I don’t need any tea,” Barney protested.

  “Yes, you do,” Cora said. “If the two of you could just whip up something.”

  Jabbering at each other, the sisters retreated to the kitchen.

  “What’s the big idea?” Barney said irritably.

  “I didn’t want to contradict you in front of them.”

  “Contradict me?” Barney said, incredulously. “You’re going to contradict me?”

  Cora smiled. “It’s not your fault, doc. You’re not a mystery buff. Or you might have noticed.”

  “Noticed what?”

  “The smell of bitter almonds.”

  Barney Nathan’s mouth fell open. “Do you mean…?”

  Cora shrugged. “Well, my guess would be cyanide.”

  Chapter

  3

  The first thing Cora noticed was that the sisters were ill at ease. That bothered her. Cora didn’t want the sisters to be guilty. Not that she knew them, or anything, but if they were guilty, the case would be over.

  “Just a few questions,” Chief Harper said.

  “Oh dear,” Charlotte said. “I have such a problem with questions.”

  “Why is that?”

  “They need answers. I’m not good with answers. I get all flustered.”

  “She does,” Edith said. “You really can’t get anywhere asking Charlotte questions. You’re better off hinting at the point. For instance, if you wanted to know what movie she saw last week, you wouldn’t ask her. You’d just start talking about movies, and she’d chime in with, ‘Oh, I just saw such-and-such.’”